me & myself

Well the term, "up and down" has certainly been my life for the past few months! Seperated from my hubby and now waiting for a devorce i am utterly drained, both mentally and emotionally...can it get any worse? Truth is i think yes... my house is for sale as i cannot afford to stay here and i am totally devastated.
This said I do not regret my decision and am even more determined to see it through...i am strong i know i am.
I have met a guy who is the total opposite of my ex....totally....but hes been good to me and without his support im pretty sure i would not have managed. Problem is i have begun to depend upon him as i did my ex, this is not good...i need to be very careful i dont fall into a trap!

I have got to write...i need to get my anger under control, maybe this is gonna help. I wanna rip someones fuckin head off, jesus i wanna explode.

How dare my EX call me the most disgustin names and mentally torture me for meetin some 1 else.....who this afternoon dumped me b4 it even started.

All friday night into the early hours i was been harrassed by him...he made me feel so low i felt i could have just died and no-one would a give a damn.

My daughter comes home from her dads and tells me shes seen something and is scared to cause trouble, i tell her of ccourse she wont be in trouble and can tell me anythin. Next thing im throwin chairs around and screamin the house down.

Her dad has been shaggin a slag and has denied ever doing so, on the very night i received a load of abuse off him he was phonin her up!! Im gonna make him pay for this....the low life scum bag.

He actually expects me to believe that she phoned him at 12.30 pm (he didnt have her number haha)to tell him she was out with her cousin who he knows him!! Why the hell would she do that??
I said why did u phone her back, (he denied).......until i told him our daughter had seen the call minder on his phone, and it was there in black and white....bastard...wanker, fuckin twat......hate liers, hate them.

Hes made my life a misery cali me slag because i have see a guy, when all along he is doin it too.

Someone will pay for this, mark my words

I am in a sad place and i guess that is why im back here writing it all down again. It seems to help when i can write it down and reflect on it later. Still split, still un-happy, still not knowing wot the hell i am doing!!! I know i will never be back with hubby and i know i made the right decision. He knows it too and has turned on the nasty tap....god how cruel he is, a side i have never seen, a side that is just damn right nasty!
Im a slag, a whore, a bad mother....words that have cut me like a razor through my wrists. I dont know if im upset because he thinks so little of me after giving him 15 yrs of my life and 3 beautiful children, or if its because what he says is true?
Am i a slag...i feel disgusted at my self, words he used only the other day!!
My insides are turning over making me feel sick, when will this feeling go away.......

Ok my emotions are up and down the same as my blog has been just lately.
My marriage is over, he has gone, i am relieved in one sense but terrified i may have just made the biggest mistake in my life....time will tell.

He like me has sensed a change of tides in our marriage, a change that is not just going to go away!! He too cannot live the way we have been doing and i am in a haze at the moment i feel numb and lost!!

My lover N made me laugh as he is so vain as to think i had left hubby for him!! As if!!
He is a distraction, a good one yes, but for him to even think i wanted more from him is totally laughable. He was soon settled when i told him i would rather stay home unhappy with hubby than even imagine been with him!!

The kids are really ok...at the moment!! They too are sick of seeing mom and dad arguing, it has had a knock on effect on them too.

Anyway what will be will be...as a blog friend said, how true

My husband is back!! Good thing.......i really do not know.

I had it all worked out in my mind how things were going to be, but as per usual nothing i do ever goes to plan!! He came home for his things and as he was packing we were talking. He became very emotional and upset which just broke my heart. I really couldn't bare seeing him such a broken man. It would be so easy if he was a total bastard but he isn't. He is the nicest most loving caring man i have ever met!! I just don't find what we have enough any more. I feel he is my best friend, a soul mate, so how can i hurt someone i care about so like that??

I have told him i don't know if i want him to stay because its what i want or if it is because i feel sorry for him?? And that is the truth.....i really do not know what i want!!
Expecting him to say he cannot live like that and going anyway. But no, he just put his arms around me and said thankyou.........??!

If i wanted him so much would u really be fucking about??

Is it possible to have your cake and eat it??

Is the saying true that what they don't know wont hurt them??

I just don't know anything anymore, except one thing.....i need my lovers more than ever

Ok my marriage has been strained for a long time and it has finally snapped, finished, ended!!! Its my decision and it has been waiting to be made for a while. I know I'm relieved in a sense but hell do i feel sick to my stomach!!

The kids are devastated, he is beside himself, i feel guilty, but can i stay in a marriage because of guilt, no.....it wouldn't be fair on any of us.

I'm scared, upset, worried.....we have been together since i was 17 yrs old and i have only known life with him!!

Sorry

OK easter holidays over, kids back to school....yippee!!
Is it just me that gets hugely hormonal and hits the self destruct button when the kids are home, jesus talk about blow-in a friggin gasket. I have never been a mumsy mum bet lately been any kinda mum has been hard.

I gotta 11 yr old daughter who thinks shes 18. Lippy, gob shite, snappy, rude, stubborn and has more hormone's than a contraceptive pill!!

Then there's my 7 yr old, who is her sisters side kick!! Copies the common cheek which orates from my eldest's mouth perfectly........and on top of this she is sooooooooo mardy!!

Then my sweet little angel cheeks, 3 yr old child from hell, don't believe me then you have him!! He screams and screams and screams.......bangs doors, stomps his feet and talks back. Yes talks back, i never in a million years thought i would ever have my child act like the way he does towards me!!

The noise in our home is off the scale, a bit like if you are sat in the middle of a busy train station or in a built up part of town. Then theres the animals, the loody animals!!
I now have an incontinant dog that is an escape atist, we should have called him dodger. He jumps on the sides, the table, pulls down my blinds as he gets tangeled in them.....etc

I need to take a deep breath and remind myself i am human and its ok to say im tired, i had enough and for gods sake KIDS SHURRUP!!!

Well where to start......everything that could be turned upside down in my life has been!!
If you have read my earlier blogs you will know i have been through a kind of midlife crisis...still going through it. I find i am a very selfish person who needs or indeed wants everything. And is not content with making the most of what i have got.

The chat rooms were, indeed are still part of my life. In-fact i have stepped up a notch and have met a few guys off there. I am addicted to the thrill of the first meet, the feeling of utter excitement and the total buzz that comes with it.

The first guy was a disaster, waste of time, i chose unwisely!! The second was better but still not right somehow. Both were brief encounters, a drink at the pub, a kiss goodbye, me knowing i would not be meeting them again.

But the third....mmmmm....jack pot. Young, handsome and the thing my dreams have been made of. Tall, dark and handsome. Smells so nice, tastes even better!! The pierced eyebrow he wears turns me on, i cannot help just looking at him, i get wet just sitting beside him and when he touches me i am in a heaven i have not felt for such a long, long time.

Our last meet was amazing, i wore a fitted button up dress, high black knee length boots
and sexy red lace undies. My 36E cup breasts looked amazing and i felt good. The look on his young face said it all and i knew i was in for the ride of my life......

He touched me and it felt electric, i wanted him, wanted to feel him on me, in me up me.....i was moaning pure delight, and when he fucked me i was in a place i needed and wanted...
Regret, NO.....guilt, No

I am on a bumpy road, a dangerous road and I'm loving it!!!

Well a lot has happened while i been away.... my sister-in-law has had my nephew 10 wks premature, he weighed a good 31b-9oz though. He is in special baby care but doing well. He has been named, Clayton John Peace
I havent seen him yet but hope to within the next couple of days....

What a fantastic week i have just had.....Centre Parcs in Nottingham is so kool!!
If you havent been then get yourself there, its good for kids and older folk alike.
The sun even shone, kids were really good, and to say there was 6 of them that is good!!!
Only thing missing was a bit of eye candy, even the life guards werent upto much lol.....ah well you cant have it all!!
Im a little black and blue from the rapids but its worth it, even took a dip in the ice cold rock pool, soon shot back out though